I’ve been a rather crap submissive of late.
I thought and wished it were purely a technical issue. With growing years of knowledge and experience in play, I have more points of reference and a more complex awareness of the risks involved. When stressed, I revert to my default state of overanalysing. It keeps me stable and present and aware, but a good spanking does not seek to enhance these traits- at least not while in progress.
But it’s mostly a trust issue. As I’ve gotten emotionally and intimately involved with more people, inevitable humanness happens. Pain is part of the process, in more than just the spanking itself.
“But I am a good submissive!” I tell myself and show my partners. I recognise that mistakes and hurtfulness happen, and I forgive transgressions and try to move on, to move back to where we were. I say these things and I feel them and I believe them.
But these things are not true, at least not fully and at least not yet.
If a partner falters, I try to take that responsibility back upon myself to stabilise us and minimise the damage to our relationship. But just as limping along on an injured ankle will stress the other, failing to directly recognise injured emotions and damaged trust spreads instability.
By taking strict care of myself I fail to submit and cannot surrender. I play as I would with a stranger, staying present, monitoring everything, always ready to call a stop and walk away. I am proud of these skills, and enjoy the pickup play they allow. But these are not the skills needed in a long-term trusting relationship.
And I’ve forgotten how to turn them off.
I hope that returning to the beginning will help, rather than stretching to accommodate and explore. A desire for punishment drew me here in the first place, and is still the most satisfying element to any session or relationship. A punishment is more than just the spanking- it is the acknowledgement of fault, as well as the trust in the disciplinarian to see and correct. I want this just as much now as I did at the start.
Just as the time alone has forced me to confront the damage I’d been hiding from myself, there is also time now to work through lingering issues and collateral damage with the partners close to me. To build awareness of what has been damaged, how it may be repaired; how best to share this work and what signs of regression to watch for.