Name and Nature

You say “If you need to break the scene, if you need to get my attention, just say my name. <Name> is not Sir, and Sir is not <Name>.” You nod as you say this, so assured of the dichotomy. I nod too, but not from true understanding. The convention will serve its purpose, and now is not the time for philosophical discussion, not that one. We have other things to do, things I have been looking forward to for months, things I hope that you have as well.

 

But the phrase sticks with me, resurfacing after we part. “<Name> is not Sir, and Sir is not <Name>.” Haunting me when the doubts start to creep in, when the euphoria fades, when I am trying my hardest to both cling to the memories and also to appear normal. “<Name> is not Sir, and Sir is not <Name>.”  Chipping away at what I think I am, chipping away at my notion that I have found my tribe, chipping away at the calm, confident, exterior I present to the others, the ones with no knowledge of the inside.

 

“<Name> is not Sir, and Sir is not <Name>.” I have never felt this, this separation between myself and my scene-self. I don’t think I even have a scene-self, or perhaps the scene-self is all I have. Submission is with me always, and in the scene I lift the heavy curtains from its  windows, let the light in, let the secret out It is ok, it is safe, they understand, at least in a way.  I do not need to hide, at least not as strictly.  I’ve never been that good at hiding.

 

I wonder if you notice this, if you see my eyes dip in your presence, this semi-bow, the most I let show in mixed company. I wonder if you hear my voice change when addressing you, softer tones, gentler diction. I wonder if you hear my quiet, if you know how I attend to your words, focused, open, receptive. Do you see the change when we are alone? Do you notice the settling, the opening?

 

“<Name> is not Sir, and Sir is not <Name>.” You say it seated across from me, too far to touch. You say it eye to eye, as is proper for this time, I have read. This is supposed to be a negotiation, a free agreement between equals. And yet I feel nothing more strongly than the urge to sit at your feet. Does it show?  Have I not hidden it carefully enough?  Did I open the curtains too widely, too early?

 

I hope not; that would not be fair to you. That was not what we had agreed to. This was to be something simple, ephemeral, transient, fun. I struggle with that, particularly the last. I am learning, but ever so slowly. I have wonderful teachers, guides in this lighthearted application of my deeper truth. I think I am learning. I want to learn, I desire to please them. I do see the paradox.

 

“<Name> is not Sir, and Sir is not <Name>.”  I nod. I will try this. It sounds healthy. Necessary.   “<Name> is not Kia, and Kia is not <Name>.”  Kia cannot show up at the office. <Name> cannot show up at Nimhneach.   I know this; perhaps the concept is not as foreign as it first felt.

 

“<Name> is not Kia, and Kia is not <Name>.”  I will try this. It doesn’t matter which is truly me, which is more me. <Name> is me. Kia is me. But “<Name> is not Kia, and Kia is not <Name>”.

Book of the Month: The Alien’s Little Girl by Rose St. Andrews

Screenshot 2016-09-03 at 17.20.45

I enjoy vanilla science fiction novels, but it’s been a while since I’ve read a spanking-centred one.  The Alien’s Little Girl by Rose St. Andrews was a delightful read. While this novel is set in an alien world in the distant future, the futuristic elements take something a backseat here, serving mostly to establish a scenario where Demi can re-enter the role of a child. The relationship she develops with her hosts is that of a modern family, albeit one which incorporates old-fashioned domestic discipline.  Their loving bond, as well as the author’s lighthearted sense of humour, made this one of my favourite spanking novels.

 

From the publisher:

Earth in the future hosts a delegation from Planet Florian, the newest planet to join the Confederation. Tyne, a handsome Florian diplomat takes a special interest in Demi, a petite and pretty young woman with money worries and a broken marriage behind her. Demi is very sad – until Tyne makes her an offer she can’t refuse – he will pay off all her debts if she will return to his planet and live with him. It is not until later he explains that this makes them husband and wife!

A week later, Demi flies through hyperspace to Florian, but on arrival finds herself subject to an embarrassing medical examination and a spanking when she misbehaves. The spanking is the first of many, for Demi can be a naughty girl at times. However, she adjusts to life in her new luxurious home, and the bond between her and Tyne strengthens, and the sex is literally out of this world. She also has the attentions of Xenon, who treats her like a daughter and has spanking rights along with Tyne. Life is full and exciting, filled with outings and pretty clothes, massages, baths and bedtime stories. Demi is happy, until she is kidnapped by a power-mad politician.

But all ends happily ever after, and Demi has a bright and exciting future ahead of her with her husband/Daddy to take care of her…

Publisher’s Note: The Alien’s Little Girl is an ageplay book. It includes anal play, explicit sexual scenes, and elements of medical play including enemas. The punishments include humiliation, corner time, and spankings. Please don’t buy this book if such material is likely to cause offence.

Available from LSF Publications

About the About

In taking stock of the state of this site, I noticed that my about page was in serious need of an update. With only minor modifications, I’ve had the same blurb up since opening the site three and a half years ago:

I have no idea what I am talking about, but I’m not about to let that stop me.

I have little to no direct experience with submission, spanking, or any form of adult discipline. I just know that this is something I am drawn to- something that I need in an intimate relationship.

The closest thing I have to experience is reading, and there has been a lot of that. It is a wonderful way to feel connected and understood as I am coming to recognize my submissive side.

I could continue just reading and thinking, but just leaving it all rattling around in my head is very distracting. At some point, I need to release some of these ideas in a controlled manner so I don’t explode at the most inappropriate moment.

I will share my reflections on submission and my hopes for how it will play out in my life. I will share my stories- both those of how I got here and those that convey through fiction some aspect of what I find attractive in a dominant/submissive relationship. Sometimes I may say things that won’t make sense or contradict myself, but everything I say here is true in my mind at the time it was written.

My mind will change along the way. I wish I could be decisive- to make sure that I understand completely before I share my views. On some level, I realize that this is silly. If I wait until my thoughts are perfectly set- reasoned and ordered- there’s really not much point in discussing them. I need to open myself to feedback and good-natured debate.

This is fitting, it seems, given the topic. Although I want to think I am perfect, I also crave discipline- which implicitly involves the acknowledgment of imperfection.

It’s reassuring to see that most of this does still apply. I still want this site to serve as an archive of thoughts as I explore submission. I want to foster an environment conducive to “feedback and good-natured debate.” However, my experiences since I started writing- and in particular over the last year or so- have broadened my perspective somewhat. With that in mind, an update is in order:

I am a submissive.

This is not a hobby that I have picked up, not a phase that I am going through, not a skill that I have learned. This is simply what I am, what I always have been.

At first there were just urges, a desire to serve, to be held accountable, to be disciplined.

Then there was reading. Discovery of others like me. Deep, enduring friendships formed through writing, comments, and emails. These friends encouraged me to embrace this part of myself and to share it- first in writing here, later in delving into the Irish fetish community.

With that first timid email to a blogger whose writing enticed me out of my silence, my life changed dramatically but gradually. In the time since, I have written hundreds of short stories, including one series published in ebook format. I received my first spanking, a lovely experience with a man I’m happy to call a good friend. I’ve attended numerous munches and workshops, talked to hundreds of people brought together by nothing but a shared willingness to look past traditional ideas of love. I’ve explored the serious and silly sides of spanking, both in private sessions, small gatherings, and public club nights. I’ve started a school role play group, and organised both munches and play events. I’ve even started topping, a development I never could have foreseen.

Though my explorations have led to unexpected places the core yearnings, the desires that have always been there, remain constant. I am a submissive, I see service and discipline as the most powerful expressions of love.

Here I share my reflections on submission and my hopes for how this part of my nature will impact my life. I share my stories- both those of how I got here and those that convey through fiction some aspect of what I find attractive in a dominant/submissive relationship. Sometimes I may say things that won’t make sense or contradict myself, but everything I say here is true in my mind at the time it was written.

My mind has and will change along the way. I wish I could be decisive, to make sure that I understand completely before I share my views. On some level, I realise that this is silly. If I wait until my thoughts are perfectly set- reasoned and ordered- there’s really not much point in discussing them. I need to open myself to feedback and good-natured debate.

This is fitting, it seems, given the topic. Although I want to think I am perfect, I also crave discipline- which implicitly involves the acknowledgement of imperfection.

Farewell to 2016

2016 has been a very slow year here- perhaps thankfully; there has been plenty else to be getting on with- personally and on a broader level.

Although I haven’t been writing here, I have still been writing under my vanilla name. Many of the developments of this last year have highlighted the importance and need for thoughtful, reasoned discourse on global affairs. I won’t pretend to be qualified to speak authoritatively on these things, but I wish to add what I can to the discussion. I am not a politician, I am not a social scientist, but I have experience from writing here in talking about sensitive issues, in speaking with love, in seeking to understand perspectives and thoughts that run contrary to the values I was taught, in re-evaluating my own positions in light of new understandings. I want to use what I have learned and practised here to contribute what I can in other areas.

I will be returning to this site in 2017. I miss the fun of spanking writing. I miss the connections and friends I have made here (I know I owe responses to several emails- I’ve made something of a dent in this over the last few days, but if I missed yours feel free to give me a good prod). However, I am coming to terms with the fact that sustaining the posting rate I had been for the first couple years won’t be feasible at least for the near future. One substantive post a week seems a more reasonable goal for now- hopefully ramping up once my term as owner of CLASS is up.

To the Security Man at Dublin Airport

Thank you for noticing that I’d accidentally left my floggers in the bottom of my backpack. Better you than my parents.

I could have done without the less-than-subtle display and extended Q&A on their identity and use; I’m all for increasing kink-awareness, but the post-screening recombobulation area isn’t an appropriate environment. Again, however, better there than the Christmas dinner table.

Love our Lurkers


I’m a lurker here myself it seems. Getting the first few CLASS events off the ground has proven more time consuming than anticipated, but also far more fun than I’d imagined. 

Still, I miss this place, and will be returning in the new year. To those who have been patiently waiting, thank you! To those who have gotten in touch, thanks for reminding me of the friends I’ve made here- you are very special people. 

To those lurking silently…. you have incredible patience if you’re still here! This is your day to speak up in the comments. I hope some of you will get in touch. 

Note to first time commenters: WordPress automatically hides your comments pending moderation. I’ll keep a close eye on this and approve as soon as I can. If it’s been more than a day and your comment isn’t showing up, send me an email using the “Contact Kia” link above.