Back when I first started this whole blogging thing, I came out to a vanilla friend. I was about to get together with a man I met online and needed someone to act as a safety call. It seemed a good idea to clue her in a bit, though this was not a decision undertaken lightly. We were friends from school- the kind of friends with enough dirt on each other to successfully derail any campaigns for public office if we so chose- so it was unlikely that this new information would give her that much more ammunition if the discussion went badly. Still, while I hoped this revelation wouldn’t damage our relationship, one can never be too sure.
I was hoping for begrudging tolerance. What I got was acceptance, curiosity, and unwavering support and encouragement. I was blown away, and asked why she was so willing to not only keep me safe but also to discuss this with me and encourage me to continue my exploration.
In her own words:
There are certain people in your life that will never completely put you off. They could literally say “So…I killed a guy yesterday” and while the general idea of such a thing is completely abhorrent, you would probably end up responding with “Really? Why? What happened next?” or some variation of “bet the bastard deserved it”. I guess I’m just saying that whether or not I would ever find the idea of what you’re into personally appealing, I really don’t think that I would ever change my opinion of you over anything you told me.
Perhaps not the most comforting of metaphors, but enlightening all the same. And a friend to hang on to!
7 thoughts on “The View from There”
Kia, I am 67 years young and I have learned that today people understand and almost expect other people to have a kink. Thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray book the spanking kink has been well exposed. I gather so much of my sorority spankings information by being 100 % honest and telling the person I’m talking to that I have a spanking fetish. It is acceptable to everyone who I have spoken to. Most have admitted that they have their own kink also. I don’t expect people to advertise to the world that they are a spankO but in a conversation that has sexual content don’t be afraid to reveal your kink.
In my wanderings i’ve found that the one thing everyone is willing to talk about, in public and with complete strangers are the topics of sex and kink. When you drop pretense and inundando, open yourself and speak with complete honesty an easy 75% of the population is thrown off their guard. I’ve found our society doesn’t expect honesty, especially in public social settings. It seems we’ve replaced it with a requirement of standoffish politeness. However, step into that space with the honesty and friendliness of a child and almost everyone drops their walls. Real, honest and frank conversations quickly open up because suddenly there’s this person in the room that’s not going to cast judgment in an eyeblink. Some of the most interesting conversations i’ve had about sex, faith and sexuality have happened while waiting for the bus. Endless convos on spanking, BDSM and farther flung kinks (furries, diapers, crushing, latex, ageplay, balloons, clowns, etc.) have happened with strangers in local coffee houses. The most important thing i’ve learned in my pursuit of becoming the walking Kink Wiki is that i must be actively accepting of others if i want to have that acceptance for myself.
Tony- yes, it’s remarkable what some people will come out with when they know they’re speaking with someone non-judgemental. Glad this approach as worked for you- sounds like you’ve amassed quite the collection of memories!
Jennifer Ann- At the bus stop?!?! My, you are brave.
Wow – your friends acceptance is truly GREAT.
The two friends that I have told (one I know since we were in college, the other over 25 years — currently 55 years of age); both reacted quite negatively. One still accepts me as her friend, but never wants to hear about this – despite my explanation that full consent is paramount at all time.
My other “now former” friend was/is a psychologist, so I expected acceptance if not exactly an embracing reaction. While he was cold, it did seem there was grudging acceptance. Well over the next year there was less and less contact and now it is virtually non existent.
For me, there is NO needs to tell my vanilla friends. I have several that might accept this, but there is nothing to be gained. Being a top, I don’t require a safe call. Still, It does bother me a bit, that a couple of REALLY close friends, I will never divulge this.
Rob from NYC
Hello Rob, and welcome!
My heart goes out to you for your experience; reactions like that were what I was most afraid of. I do hope you have found more understanding friends (even if only through virtual contract).
Thank you — I didn’t intend to make you feel bad. One friend is still a great one and the other one probably was going in the wrong direction anyway. I have friends online and one special one in Canada (though distance is a hindrance).
Off the record:
My friend from Canada fits me like a glove. We like to play hard and both don’t like giving/receiving punishment so there is no pressure in that area. Once a year I switch so I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end (how you take it is beyond me – much less enjoy it).
The website FetLife was how we connected am glad it is available (and I support it). Distance does limit our being together to about 5-6 weeks a year.
Keep on with the good postings.!!!
The internet truly is wonderful at bringing people together 🙂