Each day in September, I will be posting a question about submission, along with two responses- the first written five years ago and the second from today. I welcome all who wish to join in this exercise to post your own answers in the comments, adjusting the question if necessary to suit your own roles and sensibilities.
What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
2012 – Public
“We will save each other from something and we will both remember that we are complete in ourselves” I love this line. Left to my own devices, I can convince myself of pretty much anything. I need someone not afraid to call me out on my ridiculousness.
I also love the complement and not complete part. I enjoy being alone, having my own adventures. It would be nice to have someone to share it with. In the meantime, I can and have dealt with my own spiders (and squirrels and bats), but it’s nice to have backup. Particularly with the bats.
2012 – Private
He has to be smart. Not necessarily booky or sciency, but he needs to be able to reason and debate. A well rounded background would be nice.
He needs to speak from experience. I want someone with a past, who embraces it without fear and shares wisdom
For party play, I’ll play with most anyone with whom I share some aspect of kink, with whom I feel some spark of connection, and with whom I can carry out a polite enough conversation to establish this fact.
For frequent play, I look for someone with whom I share a deeper connection, someone where after we finish a session I’m left with aftershocks of togetherness. I don’t understand what this is and where it comes from, why I sometimes get this feeling with people I share very little else and sometimes don’t get it with people who seem like objectively near-perfect matches.
I don’t see myself settling in with a primary partner in the near future, but if I were to do so-
He would need to understand that I am already committed to several partners, and to being deeply involved in the local and online scenes. I will not abandon the friends I’ve made there to go off into the sunset with a new lover. While my relationships are constantly shifting and adjusting to changing circumstances, I cannot see myself disengaging entirely from the people, events, and other things that have brought me such pleasure and satisfaction. I would expect him to show similar consideration to his past and present.
He would need to be both strict and flexible. I love stress and busyness, which makes structure and rules desirable but also difficult/non-workable sometimes. He would need to have the patience, instinct, and communication to help me understand when rules need to be bent and when I am harming myself by doing so unnecessarily.
He would need to be fun. Too often, I take things too seriously. Living in Ireland has helped mitigate that, but I still look to those around me to lighten the mood, to help me get out of my own head and enjoy things as they are.
And, for that matter, he would need to be in Ireland. I’m not leaving.