Each day in September, I will be posting a question about submission, along with two responses- the first written five years ago and the second from today. I welcome all who wish to join in this exercise to post your own answers in the comments, adjusting the question if necessary to suit your own roles and sensibilities.
Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
“I will write it because I want to tell the truth and because someone else might read it and be helped.” I know of at least one 🙂
Thank you for sharing this story again. I admire your courage in not only getting through this incident, but in sharing it so publicly.
He may have beaten you but he did not win. I admire you for continuing through this. For continuing in your search and finding someone you belong with. And for continuing to write. As a newcomer here, reading back through your old posts I’ve been amazed at your resilience and openness in spite of everything that has happened over the last year or so. Your determination to find a healthy way to pursue this lifestyle has made this a story of hope.
As I begin my own search, stories like this frighten me. But knowing that people like Dexter are out there (and Paul, Sweetsong, Clifford, and so many others I’ve read about)- I hope it keeps me from throwing myself at inappropriate men. I hope I can recognize when something is not safe. The longing is strong, and I need to remember not to settle for someone who doesn’t feel right.
2012 – Private
While I regret what my submission ultimately did to the two relationships in which it was expressed, I don’t regret the submission itself. These experiences made me want to understand this more deeply, not forsake it. They reminded me that the submissive is not the only one vulnerable in this kind of relationship, and that I need to be aware of how my submission affects my partner. Both cases suffered from a lack of communication. I need to get better in clearly communicating my desires and expectations with my partner, and better at listening to theirs as well.
When I first started seriously looking for a partner, I thought that the association of spanking and discipline was more common than I found. I had assumed that all – or at least most- of those who liked to spank were driven by the punishment aspect. This was an unfair expectation, inexpertly communicated, that put a definite strain on my relationship with my first several spanking partners.
And yet we’re still friends. I’ve been lucky to maintain- at a minimum- cordial relations with all those I’ve had the privilege of playing with, even those with whom the scene did not go particularly well.
My ability to communicate my desires (and to listen carefully and nonjudgmentally to those of a potential partner) is improving, but I have a long way to go. Negotiation still often feels awkward, but at least the vocabulary is getting more familiar, the sense for when to ask for clarification is sharpening. I am grateful to those whose patience, assistance, and willingness to give things a try has helped me get to this point, and I look forward to much more to come.