30 Days of Submission: Day 15

Each day in September, I will be posting a question about submission, along with two responses- the first written five years ago and the second from today. I welcome all who wish to join in this exercise to post your own answers in the comments, adjusting the question if necessary to suit your own roles and sensibilities.

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

 

2012 – Public

 

I don’t need to change- that would imply that I wasn’t perfect at some point. 😉

 

2012 – Private

 


Definitely yes. I don’t like it, but yes. I don’t like to think that I have changed or need to change. I like to pretend that I am perfect.


I love particularly how Poppy took such a humorous angle on this one.* Beneath the humor is a very powerful answer though. A message on perfection and change. Of acceptance and the importance of imperfection. On how TTWD relies on imperfection to work. it relies also on the acceptance of that imperfection.

I’m just starting out. I know this. I want to sound all sagely, but know I’ll look back on this and laugh. Hopefully not to meanly.. . .

I think back to Poppy’s “Letter to Myself.”** I know where I am on that path. I have glimpses of where I may be headed.  I know it is a good path to be on. In her response yesterday she called it a meandering path through the woods. It sounds lovely. Like hiking with my dad, saying “just a bit further.” I love that kind of exploration. I know that sometimes I have to give up, admit I lost the freaking trail, that there’s no safe way forward, or that I’m sick of trudging through spider webs.  I know I may need to turn back somewhat on occasion, but the journey is worthwhile.

I need to get better at knowing when to turn back. I’m worried that I’m going to throw myself at someone- into a situation that seems right just because it matches with something I read or just because I desperately want it to be. Will I recognise the point of no return, and will I be strong enough to not pass it? I need to think back to Poppy and her writings, a good example of what I think right is. I need to find that kind of right for me. I know it will take a while, but the journey will be an interesting one.

 

*2017 note 1 – I wish I had saved a copy of the post, I’ve no recollection of it whatsoever

 

**2017 note 2 – I did save this one. Subject to permission (and having something somewhat interesting to say) I may write on this in future.

 

 

***

2017

 

I don’t like to think that I have changed or need to change. I like to pretend that I am perfect.

 

A few months after writing this, I started this blog.  

 

I remember hearing that at twenty-five years the rate of change in life slows down.  For me, twenty-five was the start of tremendous change, on par with leaving my childhood home, going to college, starting work and so forth.

 

Some of these changes – starting to write, moving to Ireland – were things that I sought specifically, worked at endlessly, and eventually made happen. There were plenty of tears, frustrations, and sorrows along the way.

 

Other things just sort of happened, or materialised after remarkably little effort, considering their significance – meeting my first top, publishing my first novella, becoming a part of the local scene.  There were still plenty of tears, frustrations, and sorrows along the way.

 

And yet I still like to pretend that I haven’t changed, that I’ve always known what I wanted and everything fits into a coherent, eternal whole.  I know this is nonsense but struggle to confront it. That is part of the reason why I wanted to revisit this exercise, to review and share what I wrote five years ago alongside my more recent reflections.  To allow myself to accept who I was, who I am, and the differences between them. I want to become more comfortable with personal change.

 

Comfortable or otherwise, change is inevitable.

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