30 Days of Submission: Day 16

Each day in September, I will be posting a question about submission, along with two responses- the first written five years ago and the second from today. I welcome all who wish to join in this exercise to post your own answers in the comments, adjusting the question if necessary to suit your own roles and sensibilities.

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

2012 – Public

I love this part- “I know I could force my understanding and make it simplistic and harsh but I don’t want to be those words, I prefer confusion.” I need to get better at accepting that confusion is not a bad thing- it is just a step in the journey to understanding. I need to embrace and rejoice in confusion and the possibilities that come with it, rather than trying to race through it and forget about it afterwards.

2012 – Private


Because I am so new to this, I know I will be greatly influenced by my next partner. I know what works in my fantasies, but I also know the real thing will be different. There will need to be a lot of experimenting, communication, and patience.

The closest I’ve come was when a close female friend was attracted to me. We discussed her feelings and my inability to reciprocate. We became closer friends after the discussion, but eventually grew apart due to distance. I remember she frequently mentioned BDSM practices in passing in conversation, which makes me wonder. There was definitely a power dynamic in our relationship,


I’ve never been sexually attracted to women, though I often find it beautiful when I see or hear about women together (or men for that matter).  I admire their courage and the depth of affection and trust involved to show their relationship publicly, among many who may scorn them for doing so.





The term “heteroflexible”, with its wonderfully madey-upy tone, describes my feelings perfectly.  I am only attracted to men. . . but will make exceptions for the truly exceptional woman. I didn’t see this coming, didn’t think I would enjoy playing with women at all- then I somehow found myself sitting at the feet of a new, dear friend, the sore bottom she’d so expertly given me being soothed by the cool tiles of the kitchen floor. Somewhere through the fog of contentment, part my brain filed away the “this is odd, what just happened?” question for further analysis when my senses returned.


I am confused as to why the gender of my play partner matters to me.  Particularly given that sex isn’t on the menu, why do I have such a strong preference for men? However, despite revisiting and pondering the issue again and again, I’ve no insight into why this may be. Rather than smoothing down the rough edges of the emotion into a polished concept, the tumbling has chipped away at the thoughts, further marring the surface.


Instead of continuing to gnaw at the analysis, I’ve set aside the whys and allowed myself to simply enjoy the varied interactions I have in different scenes: the simulated punishment, the sensual overload, the rhythmic meditation, the constant pressure and presence,  the playful bratting, the soft connection punctuated by the crack of the whip.  I’ve found there is greater difference within genders than between them; the range of relationships (using the term broadly) that I’ve had with people of both genders is huge, much larger than any differences I can identify when comparing my interactions with men and women. Bring couples into the mix, and a whole new level of complexity opens up, but that’s a topic for another day.

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