A few weeks back, my friend Michael proposed that the bossy-sounding (er . .I mean “toppy-sounding”) day of “March Fourth” should be henceforth known as All Tops’ Day. He presented a compelling argument, though I couldn’t help but notice that something seemed missing. We have Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Labor day and Presidents day. Christmas in winter and Easter in spring. Pairs of equinoxes and solstices. Valentine’s and Halloween. If we’re going ahead with this “All Tops’ Day” thing, what about an All Bottoms’ Day?
And so I present my April First suggestion. As in April (who for the purposes of this discussion is our representative lovely bottom), getting first pick, first priority, first dibs. All of this, of course, with no fear of suffering any painful consequences. A day where All Bottoms may be free to act first and think later, as is right and proper. Things that may on the other 364 days of the year be classified as “mischief” would be seen as they truly are- good, healthy fun that all bottoms should be free to indulge in as they so choose. Or, for those who prefer a more solemn outlook on festival days, a day of rest for All Bottoms to recuperate before being held to account as prescribed for the next 364 days.
At this point, some of you may be thinking that this is just an April Fools joke. I prefer to think of it as an April Fools enhancement. What other group of people would it be more fitting to celebrate on a pre-existing holiday to tom-foolery than us mischievous bottoms?
So let us claim this day for All Bottoms! Who’s with me?