With thanks to Sue Mary for the comment on last week’s post that helped me unravel this a bit more:
“But the question is do you really wish to be held to that higher standard to monitor everything you do so carefully?”
I had talked about this last week, though from a combination of ignorance and laziness, it came out as half-formed. It occurs to me that if that were a spankable offence, this problem would be solved, if temporarily. However, I doubt that is the case, though part of me wishes otherwise.
I do value rules, and I do tend to follow them- sometimes perhaps a bit too much. Of course there are the little slip-ups, unintentional or otherwise, but they do not tend to be frequent.
There are times when rules must be bent. And times when they aren’t supposed to be bent, but circumstances dictate otherwise.
I know this, on an intellectual level. I struggle with the practicalities of it. I try to bend myself instead, wearing myself out to meet some unattainable goal, to deliver on a promise that proved more arduous than originally anticipated, to conform to ridiculous bureaucratic nonsense that the bureaucrats themselves admit no one really follows. I still try, and beat myself over it when I fail. (And by “beat myself,” I mean mentally. I’m no good at physically beating myself- see posts related to self-spanking).
I have yet to meet a mentor or disciplinarian- in a vanilla context or otherwise- that was as hard on me as I am. Which is a good thing- what I do to myself is something that would make me cringe if I saw it truly happening. Somehow, in my own head, it feels less real, more justified. . .and permissible.
I’ll admit what I do is silly. I’ll complain about regulations that truly don’t make sense. But I’ll do it anyway, and brutalise myself mentally when I’m unable to do whatever it is. Are this misses and mistakes spankable offences? No, not by any reasonable standards. And yet I want them to be, even knowing that it isn’t reasonable.
My mentor is helping with this. I have goals- goals that most weeks are easily attainable, but other weeks are not. I confess when I fall short. He understands, explains his rationale behind whether a punishment is forthcoming or not. I understand, I agree.
And yet I still crave the punishment- not just the spanking, but discipline for things that are not truly lacking in discipline.