Each day in September, I will be posting a question about submission, along with two responses- the first written five years ago and the second from today. I welcome all who wish to join in this exercise to post your own answers in the comments, adjusting the question if necessary to suit your own roles and sensibilities.
Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
I’ve never had the opportunity to switch in an intimate relationship, nor would I seek it out. For the right person I would try if asked, but I’m not sure how much success we would have. Switching seems to be much more common in relationships that incorporate role-playing than on those based on mentoring and discipline, and I’m not sure how I would handle that dynamic..
I can be dominant when needed in other situations. It’s rarely my first choice, and there’s usually a fair bit of acting involved. I’m more comfortable with a quieter form of leadership- more mediation than anything else. I’ve gotten feedback that I should be more assertive at work. I plan to work on this, but as I’ve also heard that I’m generally not unpleasant to work with and get the job done I don’t see this as an urgent developmental gap.
Right. So. Been looking forward to this one!
Of all the questions in this series, my answer here would likely be most surprising to 2012-me.
I am a submissive. I am uncoordinated. I dislike causing pain. Considering this, I should have no desire to top. And I didn’t – until I met Aemilia Hawk. She came to Dublin roughly a year ago to give a flogging workshop. I attended because I like the atmosphere of workshops- there is something very special about watching someone speak about a passion that they often can’t discuss openly. Also, as a bottom, I feel that I should have at least some vague idea of the skill that goes into topping- both in interest of my own safety in playing with new partners and also to have more respect for those who can do so well.
This plan worked well- until she demonstrated a four-point florentine with a pair of dragon’s tails- the sound alone made me melt, and the motion was mesmerising. A good friend next to me then had to remind me that it’s generally impolite to drool in public. It was the first time I had any desire to DO this, to learn to wield an implement, to practice the coordination to do so safely and elegantly.
She also had a shiny pair of floggers for sale. Owning shiny things really does help motivate one to practice, I swear. I also discovered first-hand the wonderful stress-relief mechanism of swinging floggers to Rammstein. (highly recommended!)
So now I top. I don’t dominate. Flogging, at least the way I do it, is a very submissive form of topping. It’s more dance and massage than sadism. I wouldn’t call this switching- I still feel very submissive when flogging. Submissive to my partner, submissive to the music, submissive to the magic of the scene. But it’s still something I could never have imagined myself doing a few years back- never mind doing it on stage at a fetish club.
And I don’t have any desire to start whacking people with other things. . . .or at least not until I got my hands on my egg. Perhaps 2022-me will be into things that would shock 2017-me!