Each day in September, I will be posting a question about submission, along with two responses- the first written five years ago and the second from today. I welcome all who wish to join in this exercise to post your own answers in the comments, adjusting the question if necessary to suit your own roles and sensibilities.
Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship, or is this new to you? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
2012 – public
I’ve had two relationships with some sort of D/S dynamic, though neither worked out. The first crumbled as we were very young and didn’t recognize this as a form of intimacy until we were too far along. The other started with a somewhat D/S feel from the context in which we met. However, as we grew closer he felt strongly that we needed to be equals. I tried to want this too- it sounded like something I should want- but ultimately couldn’t be happy while suppressing my submissive side
2012 – private
I don’t have much experience to draw from, so I would say this is new to me. I had one relationship where we dated in all but name where we had a strong D/S dynamic. It crumbled largely because we were too young to realize what was happening between us until it was too late- we didn’t recognize this as a form of intimacy.
I had one other relationship where I started in a very submissive role due to the context in which we met. I think part of the reason I enjoyed aikido so much was the explicit hierarchy. The pain also helped. However, as we grew closer he wanted us to become more equal in our private relationship. It was wonderful in many ways, but didn’t work as a relationship. Having had that power dynamic with him, I couldn’t go on once it was missing in our relationship. Worse still was re-enacting the necessary hierarchy in class. Knowing how uncomfortable he felt with that dynamic in other contexts made it more difficult to slip into when required. Despite his best efforts, our relationship as a couple failed, as I couldn’t let go of this part of myself.
I’ve been in relationships where I feel very submissive, but not yet one which I, in my mind, would refer to as a dominant/submissive relationship- at least not the precise kind I dream about. In an ideal world, I would find a loving, dominant partner to build my life with and around. Our relationship would have a strong domestic discipline component, and he would appreciate my service to him.
This is not an ideal world. But it’s still a pretty damn good one.
I may not have found that one ideal partner, but I have found a rainbow of friends who each have taught me much and with whom I explore varying flavours of submission. For each of the people I submit to, be it on a regular basis, infrequently, or a single occasion, my submission takes on a slightly different flavour. Sometimes it’s a piece of what I thought I wanted (and generally still want)- a touch of discipline, a desire to please a demanding mentor, the challenge of an intense spanking. Sometimes it’s something I never knew I would yearn for- yielding to soft but overwhelming sensations, an urge to sit at her feet, a poignant distance not to be crossed, something touching on my sexuality in a way I don’t yet understand enough to verbalise.
I’ve been surprised not just at the number but the variety of relationships that I have formed in the scene. The only common thread is submission.