Each day in September, I will be posting a question about submission, along with two responses- the first written five years ago and the second from today. I welcome all who wish to join in this exercise to post your own answers in the comments, adjusting the question if necessary to suit your own roles and sensibilities.
Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?
2012
Pretty sure this is what I’m doing now 🙂
There are other little ways to express my submission and find outlets. I’ve enjoyed things like aikido where it is accepted to be submissive. I know this is more than just a sexual quirk for me, and that it will express itself throughout my life. I want to be more mindful of that, so that I can recognize it when it happens and react accordingly.
The outlets help, but don’t completely satisfy. I need to find a partner, but want to be safe about it. Reading helps. DJ helps a lot. I want to know what I’m getting myself into. At least a little. And I don’t want to throw myself at the first person who might work out- I want to do this carefully. But I also want to do it soon. . .
***
2017
I found someone just over a year after this was written. I wanted it to be everything I’d dreamed of, and it was close enough that I could pretend. I could pretend that I had found a partner, a lover, a mentor, someone to depend on. But these sort of bonds are not built quickly, and cannot be built unless both partners are fully willing to do so. I don’t think he knew how much I had come to depend on him, how much faith I had put in his guidance- I certainly didn’t realise we weren’t on the same page until it was too late.
The end was utterly destabilising, but eventually I remembered how to be a submissive single, how to find pleasure in subtle outlets.
Pretty sure this is still what I’m doing now, most days.
I have plenty of outlets- the vanilla forms I’d used before, as well as many kinky friends to whom I can submit more explicitly, with whom I can explore different forms of submission. Exploring with friends, rather than with lovers, suits me for now. It feels safe- sampling starter-portions from the menu without committing to a main. But while starters are delicious and exciting, part of me wants to one day sink my teeth into something more substantial.
Acknowledging Imperfection 