Tears

When discussing things theoretically (i.e.- when my bottom is in no immediate danger), I want to  cry during a spanking.  I want that kind of emotional release, want to be comfortable enough to experience that sort of vulnerability.  It sounds, again in theory, like a wonderful experience.

 

The reality has been quite different. I’ve only cried a handful of times during spanking (crying at other times is another matter entirely to be visited later), but the experience has always been. . .unpleasant.  And that had been the only common thread I could find. These were not my harshest spankings, not the most embarrassing, not given on my worst days.

 

I figured it out. It was one of those 3am realisations, arriving with a crash of revulsion that robs the rest of night of sleep.

 

It is fear.  Pure, blinding terror.

 

I cry because I doubt myself, I doubt my spanker, I question the situation into which I have put myself. I question whether I will emerge unharmed- not so much in a physical sense but an emotional one.  I have a safeword, but don’t think to use it- I’m not in that much pain, I should be ok with this. The very fact that I am not brings another wave of terror and sends me over the edge.

 

Crying from fear is perhaps understandable, but it is not a healthy,adult way to deal with runaway emotions, not a productive way to handle fledgling friendships and unfamiliar situations.

 

I don’t know what to do about this. I want to fix this, to handle these feelings in a better, more productive way. Like with words, like a normal person.  I don’t know that I can. But perhaps the realisation is a start. I know this now, and even if in the moment I cannot act on it, I can reflect, discuss, revisit, talk, and grow.

 

Because this sort of crying is not the release I want it to be.  It makes me a sobbing, soppy wreck of a person, incapable of anything other than being held, imposing myself on someone taken more or less unawares.

 

But they have taken care of me, these people who were with me when I spooked. The held me, reassured me, and not just until the sobbing stopped. They stayed with me- in person, on the phone, over email. Allowing me to revisit the experience at my own pace, to analyse, to learn, to grow (or to write it off as a mistake of the moment and move on more pleasant discussions). I know that even now I could reach out to any one of them, for any reason, and they would understand, they would talk.

 

This is not how I envisioned forming close friendships, but this is what happened.  Instead of release, I’ve gotten entanglement of the best kind.

 

It hasn’t been a pleasant experience, but it is one from which I am learning a great deal.  

6 thoughts on “Tears

  1. I am seriously impressed. I often cry when being chastised. Not because he is brutal but simply because that’s me while my bum is being made sore. I’m not sure I could be that stoic to be honest. Does it matter that I cry? I’m not sure. It does matter if Kia cries for negative reasons though.

  2. My wife only cries when she is embarrassed. When what she did to deserve a spanking was somehow beneath her-when she screwed up. She will often ask for it then-“help me get this straight”, she said recently. Other than that she is, to use Susan’s word, stoic. Sometimes frustratingly so.

    1. This is exactly the sort of crying I am hoping for (well, not hoping to earn, but when necessary this sort of catharsis would be wonderful).

      As Susan says, it’s all about the reasons for crying. I have hope that this is something that I can work on, and that as I get to know my spanker better I will be more able to let myself experience this sort of cleansing.

  3. Hi Kia! Interesting assessment of tears…I lrarely cry but when I do it feels like a release of all the sadness i’ve ever felt. Good to have support in those moments. I’m glad you do. Xo, Scarlet

    1. Scarlet! Lovely to hear from you 🙂 Support is critical when exploring these things- both the in-person huggy kind and the online-friend kind.

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