I wrote about crying during a spanking a few months back. A lot has changed in the meantime- and thankfully not much of it has involved crying.
This is still something very close to the core of my submission, however. The desire to be brought to that state of emotional vulnerability and exhaustion and surrender still pulls strongly. While this sort of submission is still purely fantasy for me, I’ve gotten closer, and in a way I never would have expected.
Over the last few months I’ve been meeting with a play partner- words I still struggle to use without feeling a bit shallow, but in this case the term applies briliantly. He is light-hearted and fun-loving, but I’ve recently learned that he is also heavy-handed in a lovely literal sense and can be quite stern. It took me by surprise when this strict persona arose. Sure, his previous spankings had been nothing to laugh at, but that didn’t stop either one of us from giggling through them before.
I’d expressed my desire for punishment- simulated or otherwise- in our early meetings, but hadn’t expected him to act on this. I’d not seen him in a disciplinarian role before, only that of a playful top at spanking parties.
But then he gave me a Look. And then the scolding started. And everything changed.
I can’t recall precisely what I was being scolded for (and as it was something playful that doesn’t much matter), but I remember how I felt. I remember how the giggles died. I remember the blushing, the demure mumbling, the desire to cooperate with my punishment regardless of the pain and embarrassment. I remember how the spanking suddenly became very real to me.
I’d had hard spankings before, the kind that leave marks that last for days if not weeks. I’d cried before, but only from fear and frustration. This was the first time that I’d cried for remorse, for release. This was the first time that I had desperately wanted the pain to stop but felt I needed to- deserved to- experience the fullness of the prescribed experience.
He delivered. It was intense, on every level, but he did not harm me. This same man who was so quick to see the light side of things stayed with me through this discovery, gentle and strong and silent. And present. He let me cry.
And afterwards he brought me back, and a few cuddles later we giggled yet again.
And I have more respect for him than I imagined possible.
Yes, it is all still play. I repented invented sins, but the relief, the release is real enough. I do still want to go further, to probe deeper, but not yet. This latest experience was intense, and for the time being I’m more than willing to rest here before taking the next step.
I want to sit with these new feelings, to get to know them so as to recognise them when they may one day arise in conjunction with true remorse.